Drama On The Road

Cancelled Travels Cause Heartache

CRISIS ALERT! CRISIS ALERT! CRISIS ALERT! I’m not boarding and I don’t know how to feel about it.

Me and my suitcases have never been apart for this long. I will miss them with all my heart!

Today is the day. The day I start my new adventure in Ireland and Scotland. And I’m home in my bed, not even sick.

Have you ever had to cancel planned (and bought) trips? Well, I suggest you don’t do it. ‘Cos it feels TERRIBLE.

So, this amazing gal moved to Glasgow in Scotland in September and against all odds, I’m not there ASAP. (To any Scottich men reading this: yes, she is single and yes, she is worth searching for!) I was actually in the country (in London) the day she moved but didn’t take the train north because I had already made all plans, booked hotels and flights for November. But being fast with my moves I wrecked my travelling future for the next 20 years: I decided to take cats. Kittens to be exact. Kittens are way worse. Cats I like. I thought I liked kittens too until I had them in my apartment. Now I’m just waiting for them to grow the fuck up.

Aww, look at them looking all innocent! But don’t let it fool you, it’s just a facade.

So you can imagine my feelings when I realised I had to cancel my trip. They were pretty much like this:
WHO AM I,
IS THIS ME, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE,
WHY DO I HAVE CATS.

I got the cats to establish the feeling of having roots, being at home, to have my heart in one country fully and not in 4 countries in pieces (I realise now this is a lot to ask… from cats). Well, it seems that you can find pieces of my heart all over the world still, but I am rooted alright. Can’t go collect those pieces. Do you know the feeling? Of having so many homes that you’re kind of never home, that there is always some other home too, out of reach?

Can a person have withdrawals from flying? The one thing about travelling she has mixed feelings towards? Sometimes exciting, usually horrible, but always in near future except now. How does one survive the long, dark and cold Finnish winter without boarding? This will be my first in such a long time I can’t even remember. Probably since childhood?

If I just stop this searching, I might realise I’ve found it already.

Ok, I do love my cats. They are the most beautiful thing in the world, they are my babies and they make me happy to come back home from work. Weirdly, life has more meaning when it’s not just me. But it is more workful too…

Muddler (Hosuli) thinking what might be her next evil thing to do to me.

And the minute I feel they are old enough to be left alone, I’m outta here.

To take the edge off the pain, I am enjoying my coffee this morning from my Tube mug. It doesn’t help, actually makes things worse. And why do I have a massive world map? I don’t need the reminder of places I’m not travelling to for a few months.

Which leads us to the current moment:

At the moment I am in my bed writing, listening to my absolute favourite Finnish artist Chisu from my travel songlist on Spotify. She has written Seekers/Etsijät:

I wondered,
Life is short but,
has anyone ever found what they have been looking for?

Mä mietin,
Elämä on lyhyt, mutta
onko vielä koskaan kukaan löytänyt sitä mitä hän on etsinyt?

Obviously works better in Finnish, but you get the idea. The whole song is a story of a “seeker” who arrives on a woman’s doorstep one day but must leave seeking again. He leaves and she wonders if anyone with a seeking soul will ever find the place they are searching. This story feels like it was written about me, always searching, always figuring out where my home really is, always having The Great Plan B’s where I move to London or Ireland. If I just stop this searching, I might realise I’ve found it already.

(If you know Finnish or just want to feel the amazing atmosphere of the song, listen to it here: Etsijät, Chisu. The sentence I mention here is in 3:20.)

 

Have you ever felt completely lost with your identity? Identity that over the years has taken shape during your travels? Identity with an integral part of having a reputation of always having trips for near future? How do you deal with losing the biggest part of your identity? I know I only lost it until next spring/summer, but the struggle is real.

 

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